As many caregivers have encountered, all the unique little beasts of the world are completely different from one another. And just when you think that you have them figured out… they change who they are! How then are we supposed to raise these little creatures to become independent, considerate, emotionally stable, and successfully functioning adults?!? That is an exceedingly difficult challenge. Through my experience, one of the most difficult obstacles was learning how to change who I was. In training myself to manage every situation in a different manner (without a guide) to provide each child with the structure they need at different moments in their lives, I have learned to focus more on communication than punishment or rewards. When bad behaviors arise, it is not out of the ordinary to instinctively seek immediate solutions, such as “go to your room” or “take a time out.” We are incredibly busy in our daily activities, and although it may seem as if taking 10-15 minutes to stop the tasks, we are knee deep in at that very moment is a waste of time, you may realize that those brief encounters save you hours in the future. I personally address each child differently, though the core structure remains the same. When bad behaviors arise, I will ask the child to follow me into somewhere more private, have a calm conversation acknowledging that their feelings are heard, and ask them some questions that cannot be answered with a simple yes or no. There are children who need the circle of anger broken, or they will never hear a word being said to them. Perhaps a joke, an outrageous outfit, or having the conversation over cookies and milk. Others simply need a few moments of peace before they will accept the words of wisdom. Many times, a ten-second hug has done the trick. I have been told that my ways of “rewarding bad behavior” will lead to parents losing control and no longer holding the power of authority over their children. I personally am incredibly grateful that I am not taking that advice, as my unorthodox methods have actually empowered our entire family. The most crucial factor in these conversations is the conclusion. We always end with how we could have accomplished our goal more peacefully and with a resolving mechanism for their future days of conflict.
Peaches & Pits 